My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
