Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
I deserve this hangover.
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