HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
