i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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