Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
