I smell stomach acid.
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
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