There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
