just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
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