I just made out with a guy for $7.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
Randomize
