apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
