; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
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