I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
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