Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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