The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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