too bad you live with your parents still
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
