God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Randomize
