k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
I am spending my child support on dildos
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
its liver damage thursday
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
