I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
