What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
The dick lei will go down in squad history
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
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