so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
