apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
