How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
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