Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize
