So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
