i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Randomize
