My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
Randomize
