Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
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