I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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