just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Randomize
