Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
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