I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
