Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
