The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
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