WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
