Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
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