If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Randomize
