OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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