I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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