i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Randomize