he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize