i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
