peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
