you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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