Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
