It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Randomize
