I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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