That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
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