How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize
