rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Good cause the way I see it, we are down to DAYS left of college so we should have as much naked fun as possible. And Jenga really facilitates that.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize