Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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