Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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