Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
This is my gift to your gina
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
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