her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize