Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Randomize
