Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
