By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Randomize
