just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
