There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
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