Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
