my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
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