rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
