Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
She's JV to your varsity
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Randomize
