Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
