Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
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