I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
