Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
